Welcome all you cool cats, kittens, and the stray human who's wandered in here. Yeah, we know you're there. No matter, let's get down to business.
Chairs and Rugs
If you have to throw up, and who doesn't from time to time, get into a chair quickly...preferably one that has that "new chair" smell. If you cannot mange in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is handy, a shag or deep pile rug is always good.
You really need to learn this one: Do Not Allow Closed Doors in Any Room at Any Time. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out...ponder the meaning of life, and smell that wonderful fresh air.
This rule is particularly important during very cold, windy, rainy or snowy weather...and of course mosquito season.
Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap first. It puts you in charge from the get-go. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish 'n Goop on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. And for a guest who exclaims "I love kitties!" --- ignore her or him. They're already half-trained and you can go back to them later.
When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea here is to convey, "but you allow me on the table when company isn't here!"
Finally, always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare at them.
If one of your humans is sewing, writing, on the phone or on the computer and another is idle, always play with the busy one. This is called 'helping,' although humans pronounce it 'hampering.'
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, petted and consoled.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book or page itself.
Remember, the aim is to help...or to hamper...whatever, it's all the same to us!
It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing Catch-the-Mouse or King of the Hill on the bed between 2 and 4 a.m.
The idea is always to get your human on your schedule.
The Litter Box:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible, especially if its dirty. This should alert them that it needs cleaning, plus there's an added bonus for humans...they love the feel of kitty litter under their feet and between the toes...hey, it's like a day at the beach!
This one's a no-brainer and a surefire way to get attention. Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they do a lot of so they must enjoy it) and they will think that maybe you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, treat the human much like you would your favorite fellow cat.  Show your affection by getting close to the human, especially their face, then turn around, and present your butt to them. At first the human will not understand, but remember they are slow learners -- give them time and lots of practice. And be gracious...don't forget guests!
If humans don't learn the basic rules, they will become lazy and selfish companions. Holy catfish, no cat wants that! So begin your "Human Training" early. Be consistent and be firm. Congratulations -- you will then have a smooth running household, at least from a cat's point of view. And when all is said and done, what other point of view is there?